Sweat Out Your Food Coma While Wearing Arby's 'Meat Sweats'

Beat the holiday food coma with a comfy, highly fashionable sweatsuit.

By Ethan L. Johns
December 19, 2017

Images: Arby's

Oops, you did it again. After spending Thanksgiving night struggling to arrange your turkey-stuffed body, you went ahead and ate too much Christmas ham. When will you learn your lesson? More importantly, why won’t your body stop playing around and just digest that meat already?

For these meat-induced-coma occasions, a chain like Arby’s may be contributing to the problem (they do have the meats, after all), but at least they’ve devised a way to make your recovery more comfortable. Say hello to the company’s new “Meat Sweats,” which combine the food that you probably never want to see again with the supple fabric you require when your stomach is so far beyond full, your skin is crawling, and your head is foggier than a charmingly cobbled London street in December of 1952.

When designing the Meat Sweats, Arby’s knew that they should be the perfect remedy for the meat sweats. So naturally, the company included a breathable elastic waistband to accommodate different levels of sag, which can vary from Bieber to highly breathable. Like a suit jacket, it can be worn open when its wearer is sitting or fastened when its wearer is standing, thanks to a futuristic sealing device called a “zipper.”

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And that’s not even the high-tech part. Both pieces feature “built-in bacon-patterned warming pockets” for the moment when the hot flashes end and the cold flashes begin. The “retractable bacon-pattern venting hood” provides “maximum temperature control,” and can be pulled over your eyes when your grandmother tries to tempt you with a fat slice of that bûche de Noël.

Unfortunately, not just anyone will be able to slip into something more comfortable this holiday season; according to Arby’s, the meat-patterned sweatsuit must be earned.

“Arby’s is choosing select carnivores nationwide who have shared via their social channels their feats of meat throughout 2017, such as conquering the brand’s famous Meat Mountain or smoking a slab or ribs to perfection,” the company said in a press release.

So start climbing, friends. As they say, no meat sweats pain, no Meat Sweats gain.

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About Ethan L. Johns

Ethan is the Food News Writer at Genius Kitchen. An expert on the Parisian bistrot, he likes bitters and salted butters, and is no fan of dessert unless it's made with fruit. His hobbies include reading up on the history of borscht and attempting to roll perfect couscous by hand. Twits & Instagram @EthanLJohns