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    You are in: Home / Community Forums / Community Cafe / What would you do? (long)
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    What would you do? (long)

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    Chattes
    Tue Feb 05, 2013 12:42 pm
    Food.com Groupie
    To be honest, after reading your post, the first thing I thought was that you should beat him with your cane. However, after reading all the comments from other more sensitive and sensible people, I realized that your son is a bully. Plain and simple. I can't help but wonder how he treats his wife and children. I am sadden by his treatment of you and your husband. You are his parents and he needs to much more respectful to both of you. I hope he can see the error of his thinking and change his mind. Taking you and letting you enjoy the trip at your own pace and meeting at certain times to touch base is a very good idea. That way you all can enjoy the time at the parks and share your experiences.
    Connie Lea
    Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:01 pm
    Food.com Groupie
    I think sending a letter to your son as several others have suggested is a good thing. I would also print out the replies you've gotten here and send them to him.
    BB502
    Tue Feb 05, 2013 1:50 pm
    Food.com Groupie
    My Sincere Thanks to all of you for your caring and responding.
    I feel like I am "Broken" I cannot sleep and am a wreck! I think of the sweet child he was and cannot believe that he is the same person. He came from a small town family, with modest means. He became a very successful businessman and lives in Grande Style...and flaunts it. We are very happy to know that he is well off in health and wealth and never will have the struggles that we have endured. It gives peace of mind to Parents to know their child is doing well...but, what has happened to his family values? We took care of both my parents and my inlaws, until they died. We even moved closer to them so we would be available for them. We don't ask for anything but caring and compassion and to "know" he is "there" when we need to talk...but he is never available for moral support. I've even told him that sometimes I just need to hear his VOICE to reassure me that everything will be okay. Yet, he won't call or answer our calls. All this about a Gifted Trip that wasn't even placed.
    No arrangements were made so he didn't have to cancel anything nor lose any money. Why?
    Thank you to all of my Friends here, for your support and caring...I just didn't know where to turn...except to you.
    anne in apex
    Tue Feb 05, 2013 6:32 pm
    Food.com Groupie
    I have no idea what you should do, but I wanted to say that this makes my blood boil. My father is 87 years old and totally wheelchair bound. I am thankful that he has that much technology, which allows him to get around and generally care for himself. I cannot imagine having any feeling of embarrassment for his condition. He's my father, and I want him to have the best quality of life that we can provide.

    Arrghhh, there are no words (at least that I can put in print)! I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this.
    Leggy Peggy
    Tue Feb 05, 2013 8:44 pm
    Food.com Groupie
    My heart breaks for you BB502. We all know you raised your son right, but
    none of us (not even you) know where all that good upbringing went off the
    rails.

    One of my girlfriends is experiencing the same behaviour from her brother.
    He ignores her and his parents. Acts as if they don't exist or when the do,
    he sees them all as an embarrassment. He acts shamefully.

    Julie in Texas is right when she said the invitation was all about your son,
    and not at all about you.

    I don't know enough about your fuller circumstances to know if a letter is a
    good idea. At least it would be a chance to get it all off your chest. But have
    you thought of addressing it to your daughter-in-law? Perhaps she isn't well
    treated either and maybe she'd like to know that you all could be allies.

    Just a thought. Sending ginormous hugs to you and reassurances that you
    have done nothing wrong. Your son's attitudes went haywire somewhere.
    Okra
    Tue Feb 05, 2013 9:03 pm
    Food.com Groupie
    BB502, I just wanted to add that your son's behavior and attitude do not necessarily have anything to do with how he was raised. There's a good article at http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-therapist-is-in/201011/when-good-parents-have-difficult-children-it-s-not-your-fault-0 It might help put your mind to ease so you can stop blaming yourself. At least read the last paragraph even if you don't feel like reading the whole thing.

    I feel so bad for you. I hope you can find some peace soon.
    MaMere
    Wed Feb 06, 2013 8:26 am
    Food.com Groupie
    BB502, I am so sorry you are hurt. My heart goes out to you.

    I cannot fathom why your Son would be so rude, insensitive, hurtful, self centered (I could go on forever) BUT, that is his choice, not your doing. I am certain that you raised him with ethics, morals, and love...all the tools that you hoped would bring him into being a loving human being, he is making the choice to be other than that, its nothing to do with you!

    How about writing the letter, as others suggest, and maybe not mailing it, sometimes just to write is all we need. Or, maybe you choose to send it, that would be up to you, as you are the one that has been hurt and needs healing.

    No matter what, know that you are in positive thought and prayer.
    Molly53
    Wed Feb 06, 2013 10:08 am
    Forum Host
    BB502 wrote:
    All this about a Gifted Trip that wasn't even placed.
    No arrangements were made so he didn't have to cancel anything nor lose any money.
    Why?
    Thank you to all of my Friends here, for your support and caring...I just didn't know where to turn...except to you.
    Well, THAT'S a mind game, isn't it?

    Perhaps he's not as well off as he appears to be, wanted to look good to somebody (either to you or the DIL) and then made the conditions such that you could not accept so he'd be off the hook.

    It's a shame to make you feel so badly. Hugs, friend.
    Julie in TX
    Wed Feb 06, 2013 10:49 am
    Food.com Groupie
    Molly53 wrote:
    BB502 wrote:
    All this about a Gifted Trip that wasn't even placed.
    No arrangements were made so he didn't have to cancel anything nor lose any money.
    Why?
    Thank you to all of my Friends here, for your support and caring...I just didn't know where to turn...except to you.
    Well, THAT'S a mind game, isn't it?

    Perhaps he's not as well off as he appears to be, wanted to look good to somebody (either to you or the DIL) and then made the conditions such that you could not accept so he'd be off the hook.

    It's a shame to make you feel so badly. Hugs, friend.


    Molly might be right on target here. He may totally be playing you and everyone else. I have a friend whose nephew gave her a "gift certificate" many years ago for an all expense paid trip to fly to Australia to see him. If it had truly been a gift, he would have given her an airline gift certificate. There have been many times in those 10 years when she let him know that she could take vacation at a certain time and the tickets haven't ever been forthcoming. He's been blowing smoke the entire time. Your son may be doing the same thing.

    I know your feelings are hurt, but for your own mental health, you need to quit worrying about this. You cannot control his behavior. As I said before, quit calling him and leaving messages. He's liking the attention because it means he's still in control.
    Ducky
    Wed Feb 06, 2013 2:53 pm
    Food.com Groupie
    That's a big bummer and he's an idiot. He should be grateful that he still has parents who are willing to travel and spend time with him. His requirements are ridiculous and are a reflection on him and not you. It sounds like he is emotionally bullying you. I hope he comes to his senses soon.
    lets.eat
    Fri Feb 08, 2013 2:31 pm
    Food.com Groupie
    I was raised to respect my parents and the elderly. Your son gets an F-.
    I'm in shock that he actually said this to you. They sound very self`-righteous. Do they think that they won't age? I'm totally speechless..
    JoyfulCook
    Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:04 am
    Forum Host
    It gives me great sadness to have read tihs, ans more so that you are not expected to use walking sticks, canes or whatever. You have to draw the line and tell him your problems by writing a letter and leaving it at that.

    Its cruel and insensitive and I find it hard to believe that his gift comes with conditions and restrictions. hugs my friend - its just not acceptable
    Chicagoland Chef du Jour
    Sat Feb 09, 2013 8:58 am
    Food.com Groupie
    Julie in TX wrote:
    You might mention in the letter that you're going to contact an attorney to see about changing your will.
    .


    With all due respect, please don't do this.
    My parents tried to pull this BS with my brother and guess what, who cares! It was laughable. I'm sure I have already been 'cut'. icon_lol.gif

    If you are so inclined, change your will and let him be surprised at the reading.

    Love Molly's take on this. I think she is on to something.
    Leggy Peggy
    Sat Feb 09, 2013 9:19 am
    Food.com Groupie
    Chicagoland Chef du Jour wrote:
    Julie in TX wrote:
    You might mention in the letter that you're going to contact an attorney to see about changing your will.
    .


    With all due respect, please don't do this.
    My parents tried to pull this BS with my brother and guess what, who cares! It was laughable. I'm sure I have already been 'cut'. icon_lol.gif

    If you are so inclined, change your will and let him be surprised at the reading.

    Love Molly's take on this. I think she is on to something.


    I hadn't noticed that 'will' comment before.
    I agree, don't make threats. Your son has already dished out enough
    ultimatums. I wish I could be there in person to hug you and say this is
    NOT about you but about his misguided thinking. Molly makes excellent
    points that he did this to make himself look and/or feel good.

    I think he imposed the 'restrictions' so he never had to come good on the
    offer. He knows your health, he knows your needs, he knows what you
    would say. And sadly, he was always ready with a countering proviso.

    His twisted way of thinking didn't come from you. But knowing that doesn't
    make it any easier to bear the feelings. Your best course of action now might
    be to ignore the whole thing. Don't call (withdraw attention), don't comment
    or ask (more withdrawal of attention), and sit tight.

    If he raises the subject—he may or may not—simply shrug and say, 'we aren't
    interested. If you really wanted to treat us you wouldn't have made it so hard
    for us to enjoy the experience. Go play games with other people's minds.'
    K9 Owned
    Sat Feb 09, 2013 11:06 am
    Forum Host
    Peggy is spot on too. Reward what you like (attention) - ignore what you don't (remove attention) and manage what you can't ignore. (Hit him upside his head? Just kidding on that part)
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